The Adult in the Room

I was recently talking with a friend [read: ranting]. Earlier in the week, I had been called "too kind/nice/sensitive" for the billionth time. My friend asked me why it bothered me so much, and this is what I parceled out: I grew up with the label, and it followed me into teaching and later as a principal. It is never said as a compliment; it is often said as an admonishment. It is seen as weak and ineffectual, as though a kind/sensitive person cannot possibly do a good job.

What is even more troubling about this, to me, is the idea that a person being kind to students, middle school/high school aged students, prevents them from being an effective teacher or leader. Why wouldn't someone want to be kind and sensitive when working in a position of responsibility for students?!

Let me be clear, I am not talking about being a "pal" to students. I set and keep boundaries. And, I do this while prioritizing how the minor in this situation is feeling. I am the adult in the room. What does this mean? I believe it looks like the following:

• I set the tone for the classroom, whether conscious or not, so I need to be conscious of what I am feeling and spreading

• I acknowledge when I have been wrong and/or hurtful

• I apologize

• I try not to take things personal

• When I fail at this, I do the following: take a break if needed; take the student aside to have a private conversation; acknowledge the harm caused by the comment/action(not the person); ask if they are doing okay and if I can help in any way; and always listen; listen; listen.

• I do not hold grudges

These are not revolutionary tactics; I learned them from other adults in my life. These adults were compassionate, kind, and kept boundaries with me. Being the adult in the room is both possible to practice and to do consistently. (Even when you're not in a room.)